Photo courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Ahhh…the melody of words. Don’t you love it? Melodic writing truly is music to the ears.
But the melody I want to talk about today isn’t necessarily created through the use of lyrical, literary, or eloquent words. It’s the rhythm of a well-crafted sentence, created when we develop an ear for the beat.
Here are two versions each of four passages, none of which would be considered eloquent, and yet I believe they demonstrate varying levels of music through the beat. Which do you like better? (BTW, the first three examples are in the voice of my 12-year-old protagonist, Bitsy and are taken from my Bitsy Mysteries. The last example is taken from my book, Seeing Through the Lies: Unmasking the Myths Women Believe).
Example #1:
- I knelt beside her and pulled back a branch of waxy green leaves. “You mean that skinny kid with the spiked hair? The one over there by the cemetery?”
- I knelt down on the ground beside her and pulled back a branch of waxy green leaves. “You mean that kid over there by the cemetery? The one who is skinny and has spiked hair?
Example #2:
- It felt like sandpaper on sunburned skin.
- It felt like sandpaper on a day-old sunburn.
Example #3:
- One day we’ll strike it rich together, and then we’ll have lots of food and the mailbox will be full of money instead of past-due bills, and we’ll have nice clothes.
- One day we’ll strike it rich together, and then we’ll have nice clothes and lots of food and the mailbox will be full of money instead of past-due bills.
Example #4:
- It’s not that she really lied or anything. She just kinda stretched the truth. Made it a little more exciting. After all, a great story must have a WOW factor. And the fact that God said not to eat the fruit just wasn’t WOW enough. So she invented another rule: They couldn’t touch the fruit, either. It was a minor point, but it was a major problem.
- It’s not that she really lied or anything. She just kinda stretched the truth. Made it a little more exciting. After all, a great story must have a WOW factor. And the fact that God said not to eat the fruit just wasn’t WOW enough. So she invented another rule: They couldn’t touch the fruit, either. Minor point. Major problem.
So, what did you think? Did you have a favorite between each of the two choices? I sure did, and I’ll tell you why.
Example #1: I liked A best. First of all, the overall writing is much tighter. The B version includes unnecessary words, such as down and on the ground. Let’s face it, have you ever seen anybody kneel up? And since the scene had already been established as being outside, it’s redundant to say she knelt on the ground. Also, the dialogue is stilted and too wordy. How often do we say, “He is skinny”? In conversation, we’re more likely to use contractions. And I like ending with cemetery rather than hair. Not only does it have a better beat, but it leaves the reader with a more powerful image. Isn’t a cemetery more visual than hair?
Example #2: The B sentence is my choice for a couple of reasons. First, sunburned skin simply isn’t as descriptive a simile as a day-old sunburn. And again, take a look at the last word in each sentence. Ending the sentence with sunburn leaves the reader with a vivid picture. Skin is just skin. Sunburn is red and painful and hot. Ouch!
Example #3: If you chose B, we’re on the same page. I prefer the way the items build in both the length of the phrases and in the intensity of the need. After all, nice clothes are good to have and food is necessary for life, but if you have lots of money in the mailbox, you can have both! And oh, can you hear the better beat?
Example #4: I know you had to read a lot of the same sentences, but I wanted you to feel and hear the beat in the first paragraph in order to hear the change of rhythm in the second. Can you see and hear that changing to short, choppy phrases in the B sample made the point much more powerful?
So, did we make the same choices? I’d be happy to hear your thoughts. In the meantime, I hope we all make an effort to develop the rhythm of writing. After all, we want our words to be music to our readers’ ears!
(Photo courtesy of StuartMiles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
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Happy writing and reading!
Vonda
